Long time... no write

So, maybe you thought I fell off the side of the earth since the last time I wrote a blog post it was before Easter and in some ways I did. Shortly after Easter, actually one week after Easter, the first day back from our children's spring break, I got up and got the kids off to school and started my normal Monday activities. Monday is my day off and so that meant doing laundry, making my to do list and taking my grandmother shopping. Which we did until I received a phone call from my older daughter's middle school nurse and in a heart beat my world shifted. My daughter Sarah had been struck in the head by a softball bat in Gym class by accident and they weren't wearing helmets. Sarah was fine, the nurse told me but had a headache and off we went to the school but before I could even arrive Sarah's left eye had dilated and she was feeling symptoms of a concussion. Off we went to the hospital and it was pretty clear within the first 5 minutes of picking her up that she not alright. Sarah didn't recognize my grandmother in the car or that it was Monday and that she hadn't been to school the day before. She didn't remember her birthday party the weekend before or how old she was. To make a long story short - Sarah suffered a Grade 2 concussion that included autobiographical memory lost as well as head aches and neck pain still. In a swing of a bat my daughter lost all of her long term memories and for all intensive purposes become a different child.

I know this sounds bizarre and it is. My daughter who didn't really like the color pink now frequently paints her fingernails pink, she doesn't like the same food and her likes and dislikes are different. In many ways she is still my outspoken, amazing personality but she doesn't have the experiences to ground her or to help her to understand why she is who she is.

As a parent it is the most difficult thing to hear from doctor after doctor that the only medicine that is available is time as she recovers from a traumatic brain injury and post concussive syndrome. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. I want to kiss it and make it all better like I did when she was a toddler and skinned her knee. But I can't and I hate it.

I haven't written because to be honest with you - I haven't known what to write. Well that's not true - I wrestled with whether to write what I was feeling which to be honest with you might not be appropriate for a blog on faith or to write about topics that wouldn't make be think about my situation or my relationship with God. So I've been silent. There have been many a Sunday that I have gotten up to preach when all I've want to say is "this sucks and I'm pretty pissed off at God". Not sure how well that would have gone over.

But it does and I'm not the only one who thinks this sucks or something going on their own family life sucks. Everyday people are faced with amazingly difficult situations. Everyday people answer the phones to hear a diagnoses or a situation that will alter their lives as they know it. Everyday people face news that sucks (sorry if I can't seem to come up with another adjective but...) and they face it.

I know we are blessed. Sarah's injury could have been more traumatic (though I'm not sure how losing everything that mattered to you could be less traumatic then something else but still). We could have been faced with more serious medical issues that required more drastic measures than time. I know I am blessed because there hasn't been a week that hasn't gone by that someone hasn't told me they are praying for my daughter or asking how she is. I could not have gotten by without friends that let me cry or scream or who just sat there helping my daughter put the pieces together with memories that she didn't remember but that they could share to help her reestablish a new memory. I'm blessed that while we haven't always gotten the medical answers that I wanted, we had access to testing and care that others in this world only dream about.

But it sucks. So you might be asking "Where is God in all this?" Well, I'm pretty sure I recognized God sitting next to me saying really clearly "This sucks". I might wish God could just make it all better but I also know that God gave us this life and we live with the consequences of the good and the bad, even when they are accidental and sometimes God just looks at a situation and says "This sucks" because it's not what God had intended. I love that I have a God that I can cry, scream and be totally pissed off at and God just loves me back. God understands and walks with me. To be honest with you I'd much rather have a God willing to go into the darkest valleys with me then a fairy godmother.

So to those of you who have prayed for our family - Thank you - those prayers have held us up and given us strength. This is my step back into the conversation and I hope that you'll join me.

Full of grace just not very graceful,

Pastor Jill